April ~ 2k4
Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.
Due to the expected success of a recent “theme” column, Madame Deevine once again returns to the genre by recounting specific rock-and-roll realizations experienced by each subset of the zodiacal family.
Here are her observations:Aries (March 21-April 19) You have a notion, possibly not incorrect, that every single tune Eric Clapton has ever written is a love song to the wife of another elite musician, whom he has been banging behind his friend’s back.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) You just read Aries’ horoscope, and you’re like, “Hey, wait a minute, didn’t Clapton screw around with Sheryl Crow?” And in point of fact, he did, but did he ever write a song about her? Think about it: There is no known Clapton song titled “Skanky Horse-Faced Woman (I’d Still Do Ya Anyway)”
Gemini (May 21-June 21) Become dismayed upon your deduction that, after having faithfully purchased each new Neil Young recording over the past 30 years, all you’ve really done is bought the same three albums over and over again.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) Shame on you for even intimating that Michael Bolton qualifies as “rock.” Please don’t read Madame’s column again until you decide to start listening to music that doesn’t suck.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) You have predetermined that if you ever wake up in a whiskey soaked, king-sized bed laying between a passed-out Mick Jagger and a cuddlesome Bruce Springsteen, your love for each of them cannot be diminished no matter how badly your rump may hurt at that moment.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You, too, can’t get over Aries’ horoscope, for different reasons. Your beef is this: Does Clapton even write music anymore? Or is he just going to spend the rest of his life kissing B.B. King’s butt and stroking Robert’s Johnson and retreading everybody else’s songs?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) There’s a part of you that longs for Led Zeppelin to reunite if only to settle once and for all your curiosity about whether the pioneers of Hobbit metal (see “Ramble On”) will finally give Harry Potter his due in the annals of hard rock lore.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) You’re one of those people who insists that you knew every word of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” long before the reissued song gained a new generation of fans in the movie “Wayne’s World.” But here’s the kicker: Nobody believes you, much less cares.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Even
way down here in Sagittarius-land, you just can’t seem to let the whole
Clapton thing go. And here’s what stuck in your craw: Michael Jackson dangles
his kid over a balcony and the world cries foul. A neglectful Clapton lets his
kid tumble out of a 47th story apartment window to his death, writes
a Grammy-winning single about it (although it is no secret “Tears in Heaven”
is actually a just a cryptic thanks-for-the-one-night-stand song to a
still-living-at-that-time Linda McCartney). You ask: Where is the justice in
that? (Madame commentary: Oh, you Michael Jackson fans are dreadfully pathetic).
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) You stare way, way, way too long at the artwork on the cover of old Yes albums. Is the imagery is intentionally phallic? Well, what’s the name of the band again?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 16) You accept that Elvis is dead. And Jim Morrison. And Kurt Cobain, John Lennon, Buddy Holly and all those dudes. But you may never come to terms with the idea that Jerry Garcia is dead, because no matter where you go, it seems you spot a dude that looks EXACTLY like him. (You even argue that Garcia is hiding out by wearing a very realistic-looking prosthetic finger).
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) You are still sad about the world having lost a great performer in Stevie Ray Vaughan, but you were hoping Madame would gloss over this because you were afraid she would lash out at you, too, for bringing up Clapton again. Well, she knows you’re simply an SRV fan and do not hold Clapton/God responsible for that tragedy. Now, Waylon Jennings, that’s an entirely different story. ...Madame Deevine attained her dream analyst accreditation from the East Central California Center for Nocturnal Lucidity. Please do not attempt to analyze dreams without supervision from a certified counselor.
The Madame's Memoirs
February 2k4 October 2k3 April 2k3 February 2k3
January 2k3 December 2k2 November 2k2 October 2k2
September 2k2 August 2k2 July 2k2 June 2k2 May 2k2 April 2k2
March 2k2 February 2k2 January 2k2 December 2k1 November 2k1
October 2k1 September 2k1 August 2k1 July 2k1 June 2k1
Contact the Webmaster
All content property of Vale Edge and The Coconut Joe Publishing Co.