February's End ~ 2k4

Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.

Astrologers everywhere are having the most difficult time accurately gauging forecasts for this month, and the reason is purely manmade. A parade of ridiculously expensive observers and rovers and probes has been invading the planet Mars this month, and the traffic has created some most unwelcome interference in the cosmic futures market. Any astrologer who seems to be going about business as usual right now is likely making up a bunch of B.S. so they can get paid. Not Madame, though. She offers her services pro bono to Vale Edge, and she never hesitates to tell it like it is. She has struggled, because the Mars interference has resulted in the following identical reading for each zodiacal segment: “You will find yourself traveling behind another vehicle.”  What separates real astrologers from the hacks, however, is their ability to differentiate when universally matching horoscopes are deduced. 

So pay careful attention to the skill applied herein as the good Madame foretells what kind of vehicle you will be driving behind.

Aries (March 21-April 19)  A gray or silver PT Cruiser with vanity plates.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) A car with a two-year-old state FOP booster sticker for which the driver actually did not remit a donation but nonetheless feels that this serves as some type of invisibility cloak that allows for disobedience of traffic laws without penalty.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) A compact vehicle with an extraordinary amount of stuffed animals filling up the back window; note that these will not soften the impact of a lane-changing crash that is caused by an obstructed rearview. 

Cancer (June 22-July 22) An 18-wheeler with tire mudflaps featuring silvery outlines of well-defined women.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) A public transportation bus that fits comfortably within a single lane but still prefers to use up one and a half lanes at all times anyway.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) A slow-rolling, rusted out, 17-year-old Ford with plastic sheeting serving as a passenger window, mismatching hubcaps and, quite inexplicably, temporary tags.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) An SUV with an indestructible teen-age operator who assumes bad weather conditions are no obstacle to the technology which allows this fine piece of automotive engineering to move so quickly.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) A law enforcement car from a neighboring city county which basically lacks jurisdiction to pull over anyone while in your territory, but nonetheless enjoys a certain ability to slowing paranoid drivers down anyway.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) A butt-ugly “hybrid” vehicle. 

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) An express package delivery service truck

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 16) A car whose license plate letters make you think up some ludicrous acronym; i.e. “Unusually Gifted Reptile” for UGR or “Throat Somewhat Phlegm-y” for TSP.

Madame Deevine attained her dream analyst accreditation from the East Central California Center for Nocturnal Lucidity. Please do not attempt to analyze dreams without supervision from a certified counselor.

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