November ~ 2002
Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.
Madame Deevine is not a wholly owned subsidiary of any whole owner or subsidizer, and that’s good news to those of you who have no idea what any of the technical terms mean that come from those important financial types like to dangle big words out there in front of you. Her passion is plain and simple prognostication, and she’ll also pick apart your dreams if you writer to her at madamedeevine@aol.com
Here are the Madame’s observations for this month:
Aries (March
21-April 19) Sometimes you just don’t get “Boondocks,” yet other
times you are keenly aware of its grimly subversive message. New options become
widely available for upgrading your Internet access to a fresher version of its
software.
Taurus (April
20-May 20) Count down the days until a confrontation with northern
enemies known to go about in the guise of wolf-like creatures. Unabridged
dictionary seems up to the task of serving dual role as a paperweight or
doorstop.
Gemini (May
21-June 21) A glorious repast is prepared for a ritual day of communal
appreciation, yet you can’t help but be a little annoyed by the use of the
word “repast” when a simpler word like “feast” or “meal” would
suffice.
Cancer (June
22-July 22) Only YOU can prevent forest fires, and that pretty much
explains why half the West burned down this summer while you were off doing
whatever else it was that you were doing at the time. Use scissors to trim
thread of frayed clothing.
Leo (July
23-Aug. 22) You are forced to make a snap decision: Do you stifle the
sneeze, or do you allow it to come to fruition in a properly guarded fashion?
Gemini figures prominently in scheme to whisk thrill-seekers through a
theme park, but you know that this will not happen again now for many months.
Virgo (Aug.
23-Sept. 22) Your moment of poignancy is drowned out by a loud, passing
vehicle. The inexplicable return of Grimace fascinates and repulses you at the
same time. The number 3 is drawn at least once in a week’s worth of lottery
games.
Libra (Sept.
23-Oct. 23) Decide not to tell acquaintance that you have a bone to pick
with them after visualizing yourself actually sitting down with that person and
picking at a ham or steak or chicken bone together. Use further discretion in
avoiding the “chip on my shoulder” cliché when you find yourself thinking
of potato chips.
Scorpio (Oct.
24-Nov. 21) Romance takes an unexpected turn when the tree does not seem
physically capable of returning your intimate feelings.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You are only illegible when you write. Waste no time in
wondering how long you will inevitably put off this year’s Christmas shopping.
You simply cannot hide your unique ability to talk through an elongated burp.
Capricorn (Dec.
22-Jan. 19) You just don’t seem to be able to get psyched about the
NHL. Tell detractor that your dreams are important no matter who tries to drag
you down, and then listen to defarmer laughing at you for talking to detractor.
Aquarius (Jan.
20-Feb. 16) Pensive feeling comes over you as you observe the trials and
tribulations of an athletic team teetering on the brink of a solid breakthrough.
Scorpio intends to steal your parking spot – are you going to stand for that?
Madame's
Mailbag
Dear
Madame,
OK, I am a guy, right? But one night I had this dream in which I had that, well, “not-so-fresh” feeling. I went to the druggist and he recommended I take a home pregnancy test that was administered by inhaling helium from a balloon and then singing the chorus from Chumbawumba’s “I Get Knocked Down.” But when I tried to do so, a baby three-toed tree sloth climbed out of my nostril and declared “That’s a wrap, folks.” What’s the gist of this?
Sincerely, Melvin in Maryland
Dear
Dooshbag,,
OK,
you may be male but you are by no means a guy. The old school and the new school
of dream thought are rarely in agreement, but they are on at least one topic:
the presence of the three-toed tree-sloth universally means that you are a wuss.
But there may be hope for you, little girl, because a one-hit wonder combined
with a bit of show-biz jargon are signs of attainable goals, and the balloon
symbolize high aspirations. The clincher on this is the home pregnancy test, a
veritable omen of silence. Therefore, you are a person who really needs to shut
the heck up – and if you commit to being tightlipped when you think you ought
to be speaking, you may very well achieve this goal.
Pleasant dreams!
Madame
Deevine
Madame Deevine attained her dream analyst accreditation from the East Central California Center for Nocturnal Lucidity. Please do not attempt to analyze dreams without supervision from a certified counselor.
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