April ~ 2002

Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.

Madame Deevine is pleased to announce that she has attained Certified Dream Analyst status from the East Central California Center for Nocturnal Lucidity. What this means for you, faithful readers, is a new feature to go along with the monthly horoscopes. She will choose one dreamer’s letter each month to analyze for the benefit of all. Dreamers’ names will be kept private, if so desired, and private consultations also may be requested (subject to availability). So if you have a weird dream and you want to know what it means, write it down and send it to madamedeevine@aol.com. Madame looks forward to hearing from you, and as always, will continue to refer to herself in the third person.

Here are the Madame’s observations for this month:

Aries (March 21-April 19) As the month starts, beware of others who may try to make you the victim of a prank. You may also choose to be the perpetrator of such shenanigans.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Conclude that, because O.J. seems to have attained some measure of rest, he feels that he has satisfied his pledge to find out who the real killer is. Experience an unnecessary flashback about a place known to you in your childhood as "Mustardland."

Gemini (May 21-June 21) Apparent hazards of driving a vehicle enclosed in brown paper packaging deters you from selecting that particular rental car company. It's the little, unimportant things in life that are the least special to you.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) Delight work associates by giving everyone Indian names like "Stands with Stapler" and "Mumbles at Meetings."

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Minty antiseptic rinse temporarily leaves your mouth feeling tingly and refreshed. Environment-minded people try to get you to join in a day of global awareness. You have no idea why the song “Ride, Captain, Ride” is going through your head.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Try not to spank your inner child in the middle of the shopping mall. Soggy weather postpones some sporting events. Scorpio, Leo play key roles in community theater productions nationwide.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) If you haven't already done so, it is imperative that you immediately make a record of your recent revenue cycle and submit it for governmental review. Anyone who stands in the way of something you want incredibly badly is probably a security guard.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) Love is on the horizon, but just beyond it - and out of view and waiting to pounce on you - are heartbreak, pain, self-loathing and dental work. A small financial transaction is close at hand. Purchase “necessities.”

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) After all these years of a pretty good fit, you're still not entirely convinced that your fingers don't belong inside of your nose. Take a chance on wearing the undergarment that has a gaping hole in it; today is not your day to get hit by a truck.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Random strangers may know the answer to this question burning inside of you: What does "bling-bling" mean? Know your limits, and then just ignore them. Ask Libras if they realize that rhymes with “zebras.”

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 16) Where romance is concerned, you are riding the bench. Where tactlessness is concerned, you are a starter and the team captain. You find yourself being unnecessarily picked on, and you’re not even a Scorpio! No one – not even the chair - hears your cries proclaiming your sense of selfhood.

The Madame's Memoirs

 March 2k2  February 2k2  January 2k2   December 2k1    November 2k1

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