April ~ 2k3
Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.
Please note that some of the following predictions are retroactive to April 1, so, in the event that your predictions already have come true, please regard these instances as having occurred as foreseen and let it be duly noted once again that the Madame indeed has the gift. And if you are courageous enough to allow the good Madame to dissect your mind, scribbled down your dreams and send them to madamedeevine@aol.com
Here are the Madame’s observations for this month:
Aries (March
21-April 19) ) Avoid crack whores.
It is time once again to mess with all the radio presets in Capricorn’s
vehicle.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) If you happen to wake up encased inside a cucumber within a jar filled with vinegar, you’re in a real pickle. Try not to talk over a program that a loved one is clearly enthralled to be watching.
Gemini (May
21-June 21) You are able to light up
an entire room with the simple flick of a switch. The grass may be greener in
someone else’s Easter basket, but what truly matters is this: Who’s got more
candy?
Cancer (June 22-July 22) It may be too late to submit for Uncle Sam’s inspection a review of your past year’s income activity without incurring penalty. Think twice about telling attractive potter “I really like your jugs.”
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Source of instant news has a certain magnetic hold on you. Stay the hell out of Dodge City if you know what’s good for you.
Virgo (Aug.
23-Sept. 22) Stand
on top of your desk, point down to the cubicle divider, and, in the direction of
your boss, shout “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”
Libra (Sept.
23-Oct. 23) Express
impatience about the erratic pace of seasonal changes. You really are a whiner,
you know that?
Scorpio (Oct.
24-Nov. 21) If you were to get the
whole playground gang back together right now, you’d learn very quickly that
you’d still be the last person selected when choosing teams for kickball.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Tie your shoes.
Decide that is unnecessary to try to live vicariously through yourself. A black
permanent marker makes it very easy to put your best face on any situation.
Capricorn (Dec.
22-Jan. 19) A merry prankster wants
to make a fool out of you. Toppling of a bad regime somehow doesn’t make you
feel better about yourself as a person.
Aquarius (Jan.
20-Feb. 16) You are unable to hear
“Dueling Banjos” play without somebody making mention of the movie
“Deliverance.” There are certain roads upon which you will not need to worry
about Amish buggy traffic, especially in the ‘hood.
Madame's
Mailbag
Dear
Madame,
I
dreamt I saw a silver spaceship flying... there were people dyin’ ‘n
children crying, and an archer hit the tree. Will you, um, tell me what it’s
all about Alfie?
Signed, Wadley
Dear
Wormsmith,
That scenario sounds vaguely familiar. Wasn’t that in a song by, um, Johnny Mathis? Nonetheless, such a short dream and yet so full of symoblism. The silver spaceship represents your unfulfilled dreams, starting from a time when you were young and kneeling in the meadow, awed at this wide and beautiful world and thinking that even Richard Nixon has got soul. People dying and children crying is a perfectly legitimate rationalization during dreamtime, a lucid processing of your daily fears, be it as it were that we are mired in wartime. The archer hitting the tree is deja vu from a previous viewing of “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves” a truly bad movie that spawned an even less inspired parody starring Richard Lewis. Don’t ever call Madame “Alfie” again or she will publish your name and address and make up a lot of nasty offenses for you to have committed.
Very businesslike,
Madame
Deevine
Madame Deevine attained her dream analyst accreditation from the East Central California Center for Nocturnal Lucidity. Please do not attempt to analyze dreams without supervision from a certified counselor.
The Madame's Memoirs
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