August ~ 2k1

Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.

Madame Deevine’s horoscopes, available to you exclusively through valeedge.com at no charge, deftly defy the rest of the astrological industry. Instead of reading the stars directly, Madame Deevine uses a coral sponge to fling A&W Cream Soda onto a 1953 star map, then covers her left eye with a patch and holds the map up under a strobe light to interpret the cosmic designs. The resulting predictions probably would dumbfound a lot of celebrities if they could only enjoy the same access to Madame Deevine as you do.

Here are the Madame’s observations for this month:

Aries (March 21-April 19) Subconsciously decide against taking up skeet shooting as a hobby. Read the same sentence twice. Read the same sentence twice. Prank with ski mask doesn’t go over very well at credit union. Tap fingers on steering wheel while waiting for the traffic signal to change.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) You are no better and no worse than that person trying to sing the national anthem, but please don’t misinterpret this as a ringing endorsement of your vocal abilities. Virgo sits a few rows away from you at the movie theater, but people will get really ticked off at you if you keep craning your neck around to see where.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) Restock grooming necessities soon. Spice up your vocabulary with these trendy words: juxtapose, rat scallion, intermediary, chanteuse, bamboozle and loggerheads. Secretly take pride in your ability to coast into gas station with the tank very nearly bone dry.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) You have something green stuck between two of your front teeth. Go like this. No, over a little. A little more. There, you got it. Supermarket cart tends to get jammed and stop; try rotating wheels around into proper alignment.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Try to cut a plea deal with the feds without squealing on who really did it. Enthusiastically pursue finger-painting. Put a little magic into your relationship by pulling a rabbit from a hat, making a glass of milk disappear into your clenched fist and inexplicably separating three interconnected steel rings.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Run away to join the circus, but come home after you are unable to find it. Associates at technology firm don’t appreciate your re-enactments of the old "ancient Chinese secret" commercial. Birds of a feather flock into your back yard.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Finally confront casual acquaintance about her phony accent. Notion quickly passes that maybe you are ambidextrous and just didn’t realize it until now. Lack of tumbleweeds in your neighborhood is nothing to be worried about.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) If you call Miss Cleo one more time for a tarot card reading, I will stop predicting for you Scorpios altogether, understand? Frogs and locusts are seen with increasing frequency.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Sitcom you are watching seems to have thin plot, obvious jokes and an overused laugh track. Distant relative doesn’t know you exist and plans to keep it that way. Encounter with bully from childhood reveals he can still coax the word "uncle" out of you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Once again, disprove the theory that a watched pot never boils; continue to keep this valuable information from leaking to anyone outside your inner circle of friends. Fellow elevator passenger isn’t coming on to you when asking which button to push for you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 16) Balk allows all runners to advance one base. That special person is your significant other. Automated teller shuts down between 2 and 3 p.m. to allow for updating accounts. Continue trying to solve the obvious logistical problems facing your million-dollar idea for canned butter.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Judge doesn’t take very kindly to you standing up and shouting "Like hell my lawsuit is frivolous." After accidentally dropping the last M&M on the floor, find out in a most embarrassing manner that your supervisor watched you scramble to observe the "five-second" rule.

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