December ~ 2k1
Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.
Madame Deevine’s keen astrological powers and other psychic abilities are especially well tuned during the holiday season, when she trades in the tea leaves for holly and ivy leaves. But she urges you not to try to read holly leaves yourself, because you can really prick your fingers pretty badly. The end result of her tireless work is a forecast so in touch with her readers that nobody has ever dared to openly question her abilities.
Here are the Madame’s observations for this month:
Aries (March 21-April 19) Jump into a challenge with both feet, but re-emerge with only one foot intact. Stop feeling sorry for your elf. That’s right, I said elf. He’s got a job with better pay than you and, believe me, from the stories he’s told me I wouldn’t want to be stuck with his task of watching to see whether you’ve been naughty or nice this year. (I can’t believe you’ve done what you’ve done. For shame!)
Taurus (April 20-May 20) Libra is playing mind games with you again. Why do you always let Libra prey on you like that? Stand up to them, for crying out loud. Daylight hours are growing shorter, and this is symbolic because we’re all going to die someday. But then daylight hours start growing longer again, yet this still won’t ultimately spare you.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) These letters somehow figure into your daily awareness of the world: T, A, L, I, B, N. Come into contact with rubber bands, paper clips and writing implements. Increase in personal spending is not unforeseen on your part, but you still privately grumble about the cost of all the holiday mayhem.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) You’ve got mail. The real kind, I mean. You’ve got the other kind too, naturally, but with all these terrible viruses going around you’re better off deleting ALL incoming e-mail without reading it. That’s right, everything. Especially e-mails from the boss. Don’t bother to knock before entering occupied rooms with closed doors.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) I hope you like coal.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Consider getting a new calendar: Let’s face it – the old one is getting a little outdated. Your experiment in constant mumbling is yielding some mixed results; extend it a few more weeks until you collect the definitive data you’re seeking. Tissue supply may be dwindling. Rescue your comb from a hairy situation.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Tell Taurus one thing, then moments later say you said something entirely different than that. Keep doing this. Soon you will own Taurus, and if they stand up to you it’s time to open a can of verbal whoop-ass something fierce. Your tolerance for repetition on the radio is stronger than normal.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) Please, please, please switch to a different deodorant. Chocolate becomes more ample. Worms in the garden make no secret about the fact they’re just waiting around to play pinochle on you snout, and if you don’t like that, you can just eat them. December 1st through 5th hold your best chances for winning the lottery this month, so be sure to go out and play!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Unnecessary quote marks make “little impact” in getting your point across to others. The night is illuminated with many festive displays. Look, nobody at the workplace can do halfway decent impressions of characters from animated Christmas specials, so feel free to dress down anybody who even attempts it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Romantic interest is less than thrilled with the practicality of gifts such as duct tape, fill dirt, wax paper and home pregnancy tests. Decide not to attend any of the bowl games this year. You’ve got the inside track to next year’s resurgence of bellbottoms – don’t hesitate to start making that fashion declaration right now.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 16) Punctuality is not your strong suit nowadays, but at least you’re strikingly good looking. Christmas doesn’t turn out the way you had imagined, but your cellmates are warmed by your caroling - and now they want to spread some cheer to you in return.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Try to limit your intake of raw eggs, calamari and cod liver oil. Sagittarius doesn’t appreciate you calling him “Sag-tit-arius.” Steel yourself for the possibility of snow. Begin to be on the lookout for financial documents pertaining to the calendar year’s end.
The Madame's Memoirs
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