December ~ 2002

Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.

Madame Deevine sure needs to heed her own predictions once in a while, or at least realize that when she withholds publishing certain parts of her divinations, she isn’t helping anyone. For instance, she was going to tell all those Scorpio folks (like herself) last month that it would not be wise to come in contact with the handrails on a Carnival cruise. HOWEVER, and this is a big but, she thought it was better to keep her fingers crossed and hoped it wouldn’t happen since she coincidentally was taking a Carnival cruise at the end of November. And of course, being a little on in the years, she needed to use those railings from time to time. Of course, as you may have guessed, she caught one of those Norwalk-like viruses (brilliant contribution to the world of pathogens, Ohio) and has been temporarily out of commission. She’d probably repulse you if she began to discuss how she had the icky stuff coming out of both ends, so instead she will profusely apologize for this month’s tardy forecast and she WON’T withhold any important details this time. Lesson learned! And don’t forget to send her your bizarre dreams for analysis to  madamedeevine@aol.com.

Here are the Madame’s observations for this month:

Aries (March 21-April 19) An influx of discarded decorative paper makes for a larger waste collection night. Rent “Tombstone” again so you and your acquaintance can refresh your memories on the favorite lines which you like to bounce off one another.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Your moment is now; seize it. No, wait, forget it. You were just too slow on the draw. Now you’ll just have to wait until some months from now when the horoscopes seem to be repeating themselves again. And in the interim, don’t act all put off that somebody’s else’s moment to seize is now under some other sign.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) Some of your experiences in the realm of retail will be observed by surveillance cameras, which could make you feel a little uncomfortable even though you know you are doing absolutely nothing wrong.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) Watch a friend vomit after ingesting a dinner bun, and elicit groans when you refer to the incident as “roll reversal.” Even if you do know all the different symbols and the numbers that they match up to in that 12 days of Christmas song, you could make an even better impression by not singing it at all.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) An unexpected gift falls into your lap. Laugh so hard at something that a little bit of snot yo-yos out of your nostril and back inside inside again, and your eyes immediately scan the room to see if anyone has noticed before you go for a tissue.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Finally realize where it was that you remember seeing that actor before; it was on an episode of “Love Boat” in which the incomparable Charro also was a special guest. For reasons that would reveal themselves on a letterhead, you decide not to open a Stark-Holmes Institute of Technology.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Delight in the spectacle of many colorful lights more so than you would at other times of the year when those lights may not be on display. Lack interest in sunbathing. Avoid putting any digits near the moving parts of the snowthrower, seriously.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) Quit “faking it.”

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Opportunities abound to load up on sugar. Do not use medication if tamper-evident seal is already broken when you go to open it for the first time. There is nothing you can do about the restless anticipation of young ones.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Urge to dispatch greetings by post affords you the chance to also amend address book to reflect any changes from the past year. A word that is most often associated with young felines is better left unspoken in general workplace conversations.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 16) Take heart in knowing that you were not the coordinator of a superficially joyful exchange of small holiday-related mementoes between co-workers. While everyone privately groans “why do we have to do this every year,” you take some comfort in knowing that the “secret Santa”gift you gave was by far the coolest, and a little misery in knowing the one you received was the suckiest.

Madame's Mailbag

Dear Madame,

I had a dream that seven locusts suddenly multiplied into an innumerable swarm and overran the northern African land which I have been calling home. This was followed by great famine and met with stubborn consternation by the authoritarian figure I report to. What could this mean?

Dear Sphinxter,

Go out and get yourself a nice colorful jacket, sell your little brother and get the hell out of there.

Mazeltov!

Madame Deevine

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Madame Deevine attained her dream analyst accreditation from the East Central California Center for Nocturnal Lucidity. Please do not attempt to analyze dreams without supervision from a certified counselor.

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