January ~ 2002
Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.
Madame Deevine is late again this month, which is something of a scientific marvel since she reached menopause some years back. Too much information? Well, she bets she still had you scared just for a moment that you maybe knocked her up during your most recent tryst with her (she would like to politely remind you… she’s had MUCH better). Having gotten that all cleared up, let’s jump out of the gutter and right into the moody old hag’s predictions for this month:
Here are the Madame’s observations for this month:
Aries (March
21-April 19) Rummage around for spare change before approaching vending
machine. Emphasis on snow removal. Taurus still wonders why it is that you get
to go first, and you don’t help matters much by strutting around jeering
“Nyah-nyah nyah-nyah nyah!”
Taurus (April
20-May 20) You have little trouble gaining leverage on playground
equipment. Decide to name your new female pooch “Payback.” Your financial
and taxation picture from previous year comes more vividly into focus.
Gemini (May
21-June 21) Streets possess a higher sodium content than normal. You may
be called upon to lead bandits in a Third World country to economic prosperity
through your unwitting role as a victim of identity theft.
Cancer (June
22-July 22) Get your freak on, whatever the hell that means. Pisces
stands ahead of you in line, fidgeting; a gentle thwack upside the head in this
situation would not be inappropriate but could lead to some legal troubles.
Leo (July
23-Aug. 22) Hoping to score, you try out some exciting new positions on
your sports team. Unexpected belch conjures up taco you ate seven weeks ago.
Store wastes no time pulling Christmas items from the shelves and deluging the
place with Valentine’s Day paraphernalia.
Virgo (Aug.
23-Sept. 22) You may be asked to contribute snacks and/or beverages as
you gather with friends to watch “the big game.” Boldly go where nobody else
in their right dares to go: Into the bathroom, immediately after someone has
spent the better part of an hour in there.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) You receive many blessings after a short fit of sneezing. Get out your video camera and, in black and white mode, film a plastic blag blowing around in a windy alley on a dreary day. Then blankly tell your love interest it was the most beautiful thing you ever saw.
Scorpio (Oct.
24-Nov. 21) You begin a furiously fast, steep descent after reaching your
pinnacle as an interesting person. The cat’s out of the bag, and lucky for you
that PETA didn’t see you put it in there to begin with.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21) It’s time to decide if augmentation is right for you.
Tupac Shakur is nowhere to be found. Adversary wants to make amends, but that
doesn’t sway you from seeking out plain old vengeance. Go out there and kick
some arse.
Capricorn (Dec.
22-Jan. 19) Your bad karma is really dragging all of your household pets
down. Aside from all of your debts, you don’t owe anything to anyone. Say
“fickle are the lungs of the fun and lucky” ten times facts.
Aquarius (Jan.
20-Feb. 16) You feel as though you are surrounded by a bunch of flakes.
Cancer still hasn’t returned your phone call. There’s a Bounce in your step
– how did you NOT notice the dryer sheet hanging out of your shoe?
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) The folks at Chuck E. Cheese want you to stop openly referring to their facility as “a giant pleasure zone.” Your inner peace is occasionally disrupted by some pretty bad gas. It’s been a pleasure knowing that I don’t know you personally.
The Madame's Memoirs
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