July ~ 2k1

Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.

Madame Deevine’s horoscopes, available to you exclusively through valeedge.com at no charge, are probably the most daring in the industry. Instead of reading the stars directly, Madame Deevine interprets the night skies’ image as seen in a reflecting pool in which she has scattered a deck of 52 jokers and some paprika - and to make it even more challenging, she does so on a cloudy night. The result is a prediction so eerie and blunt, you feel as though she’s actually watching your every move.

Here are the Madame’s observations for this month:

Aries (March 21-April 19) Trying to impress your friends by demonstrating a cartwheel really isn’t a very good idea at all. Talk to the dog about the etiquette violations it is committing by sniffing where it does. Apply a little WD-40 to squeaky door hinges.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Just this once, running away from all of your troubles solves everything, but don’t tell anyone that Madame told you this or I’ll screw you out of a good horoscope just like I usually do for Scorpio. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear, and you still have no idea why that is so.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) Mysterious 12-minute call to Iceland surfaces on the telephone bill; wisely forgo temptation to ground the three-year-old for suspected involvement. Remake of a favorite oldie doesn’t hold a candle to the original. Paper cut heals quickly with a little dab of triple antibiotic ointment.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) Next issue could be your last unless you promptly renew that magazine subscription. Struggle with the realization that, contrary to family lore, you are not actually one-twelfth-part American Indian and your great-great-grandmother wasn’t a Cherokee princess. Continue telling people otherwise anyway.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Rekindle adversarial relationship with lawn and garden pests. Sagittarius drives past at the speed limit in opposite lane of traffic without incident. Light a candle to get rid of foul odor in kitchen... and the next time that you decide to clean out the fridge, don’t wait until the garbage bag is full to tie it up and take it out of the house.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) In a game of tag, you’re "it". Work at your own pace toward all 37 home improvement projects on your agenda. If you happen to be a pro athlete negotiating a multimillion-dollar contract, tell yourself that it’s not about the money, it’s about respecting your talent.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Forgive goldfish for their crimes, if any, against humanity. Articles of clothing need to be laundered. Be sure to separate items so colors won’t bleed. Success comes easily for you in Uno, Parcheesi, Sorry! and Concentration; not so for Tri-Ominoes, Uncle Wiggly, checkers and Monopoly.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) Well, um, believe it or not I’m drawing a blank for you again this month. Tell ya what: Why don’t you go out and rent "Eddie & The Cruisers 2: Eddie Lives" and send a letter to the New York Times asking if they wouldn’t mind publishing your movie review?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Covertly provoke a nasty verbal fight between two co-workers, then emerge as a hero by playing the peacemaker. The breath mint that suddenly appeared among your belongings is a major hint; please take it. Airplane departs a little behind schedule, but it’ll make up for it during the flight and arrive on time.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) You can discontinue telling it to the hand, because the face is ready to resume listening. It’s time to come to terms with the pencil-sharpener incident way back in third grade: It wasn’t your fault, you couldn’t have prevented it, you were just an innocent bystander in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 16) Near run-in with an old nemesis is averted by both of you as you skillfully avoid eye contact while entering a department store and again a few moments later when you find yourselves in the same aisle, looking at the same shirt.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Everybody looks at you when somebody says "Ew, what smells like fish?" But this is only because you are a Pisces and people naturally are going to milk that knowledge for all its worth. Hope you saved last month’s horoscope, because it’s your turn now for whatever was predicted for the Libras then.

Contact the Webmaster