July ~ 2002
Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.
Madame Deevine has just completed a three-week whirlwind tour of Bulgaria, Romania, the Czech Republic and Croatia, spending some quality time wandering around with these strange and fascinating people called the Roma. In the process, she discovered a great many things about herself (like an ugly mole on the small of her back that nobody ever bothered to point out until now) but learned nothing really new about astrology, because – let’s face it – she knows all. She also knows a thing or two about dreams, so if you have questions about a nighttime imagining, write to her at madamedeevine@aol.com
Here are the Madame’s observations for this month:
Aries (March
21-April 19) If your love for another is not returned in kind, it could
be that this love is unrequited. For old time’s sake, buy a permanent marker
and label all of your clothes in case they get lost.
Taurus (April
20-May 20) Your left hand has found out what your right hand is doing,
and it does not approve. You will soon be forced to use a different currency
than that with which you are familiar. Tell everyone about all the faults that
they possess, then take inventory of all the people that still seem to like you.
Gemini (May
21-June 21) Center your soul in a spiritual sort of harmony with the
universe while ending an unnecessarily long wait to use “the facilities.”
Friends find you more interesting when you casually drop the phrase “fraught
with peril” into conversations.
Cancer (June
22-July 22) Outdoor rodents still haven’t figured out that your
sinister traps will lead to their demise. A move to a different vantage point
alters your perspective. Cornstalks progress rapidly in height.
Leo (July
23-Aug. 22) Detect the scent of skunk in the night air. Resurface for air
after a few moments swimming underwater. Leave realistic rubber snakes and mice
in strategic places around your property to surprise and delight visitors.
Virgo (Aug.
23-Sept. 22) Weebles wobble, but they won’t fall down. Unless you are a
programmer, you have little use for the computer term “codec.” Eat celery
and carrots.
Libra (Sept.
23-Oct. 23) Try to respect and obey all rules pertaining to the
appropriate display of a national symbol. Practice your stammer. Watch for the
reaction of a Scorpio when they realize they’re just being completely left out
of this month’s predictions.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) At a restaurant where there is a wait for seating, register your party under the name “Spankus.” Fulfill an obligation. Resemble somebody that a complete stranger happens to know.
Capricorn (Dec.
22-Jan. 19) A little club soda should get that right out, unless it is
motor oil, blood or ink. If you are forging some sort of social or economic
coalition between the states Florida, Utah, Connecticut and Kentucky, choose
your acronym very carefully.
Aquarius (Jan.
20-Feb. 16) Effort to construct your very own cartel collapses when you
decide you want nothing to do with crime or corruption. Air travel is pending.
There’s a rose in a fisted glove, and the eagle flies with the dove, and if
you can’t handle that, tough.
Madame's
Mailbag
Dear
Madame,
I had this bizarre dream in
which I was in this place that was like my grade school and my high school and
my college and a shopping mall and my childhood home and an amusement park and
my former military base all rolled into one, and various people from different
stages of my life randomly came and went. What does this signify?
Signed, Ret. Gen. Eric
Dear
Starman,
You
are not alone. Everybody has a dream along these lines just about every other
night. Basically, this particular dream signifies that you are sleeping.
Love,
Madame Deevine.
* * *
Most
Kind Madame,
Here’s the dream: I am in the
garage, and the big door keeps going up and shut, open and shut, open and shut.
It is maddening. It just keeps doing this until I wake up. What is the matter
with me?
Signed,
Oil Can Billy
Dear
Grease Monkey,
You
dream of Genie.
Best
Regards, Mame Deevine.
*
* *
Madame Deevine attained her dream analyst accreditation from the East Central California Center for Nocturnal Lucidity. Please do not attempt to analyze dreams without supervision from a certified counselor.
The Madame's Memoirs
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