June ~ 2k1

Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.

Madame Deevine’s horoscopes, available to you exclusively through valeedge.com at no charge, are perhaps the most innovative and on-target in the industry. Rather than read the stars directly, Madame Deevine interprets the night skies’ image as seen in a reflecting pool to deliver personal forecasts filled with startlingly straightforward and reasonably realistic revelations.

Here are the Madame’s observations for this month:

Aries (March 21-April 19) A bank transaction is imminent, could involve direct deposit. That joke you always tell that usually doesn’t get much response will evoke a huge belly laugh, but that person is just faking it to make you feel like you’re really funny. Try to resist punching that person in the nose.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Treat yourself to a toenail trimming. No, not a professional pedicure – just trim ’em so you don’t hurt somebody, dear. Change the preset stations in your car radio. Don’t even try to tell me that you don’t own a car… you’re a TAURUS for crying out loud.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) You will misplace a valuable that you’ll never, ever be able to find again no matter how hard you try. Urban road kill will gross you out for a moment before you resume your day as if you’d never seen that dead opossum. Then someone at work will say they saw it too and they’ll pronounce the first `o’ in opossum. Argue about whether the `o’ should be silent or not.

Cancer (June 22-July22) More junk mail arrives. Bemoan the fact that Ford and Dodge will never, ever use your zodiac sign as the name of a new brand of car. Annoying television commercial jingle lingers in your head repeatedly. Hold firm to your oath to never, ever buy that particular product.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Stray dog makes unwarranted fertilizer delivery in your driveway. Try to make this discovery before your co-workers start walking around and checking everybody’s shoe soles. Consume some carbohydrates.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Grumble about current road construction as well as the roads where it is not happening but really need it. Consider switching to a different cellular phone service provider. Unknown person in distant city divulges a long-kept secret to another unknown party that, strangely enough, has no impact upon you whatsoever.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Give a casual glance to the magazine rack in the grocery checkout. Cable reception will briefly turn snowy, then come back in a few seconds. This will happen a few times before the problem goes away for a while.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) Having a very difficult time determining the skies’ intentions for you this month. I’m afraid you’re just going to have to get a fortune cookie instead. Sorry for any inconvenience this may create.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) A chilled beverage of your choice just might do the trick at a time when you are yearning for refreshment. Visit from an unexpected caller reminds you that it is time to check your water meter. Purchase postage stamps.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Quit whining about the fact that your birthday falls so close to Christmas and, as such, you only receive presents in one sudden splurge every year. New advertisement on highway billboard catches your eye.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 16) Find yourself wishing that someday, somehow, somebody will write a popular song for a hippie musical that involves some other zodiac sign than your own. But don’t spend too much time on this; it will never happen. Shower away invisible, dead skin cells.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Have some seafood. There! You are what you eat! Get it? See, you’re eating fish and you’re a Pisces…. oh, never mind. Acquaintance asks you if you have change for a $10 bill, but you only have $8.25 on hand if you don’t count the coins (mostly pennies) that have been accumulating in your car, which you don’t feel like running out and getting at the moment.

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