June ~ 2002
Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.
This month, Madame Deevine celebrates her first anniversary at Vale Edge. Of course, the Madame had foreseen this special event. And so it is with great pride that she lets you in on yet another one of her little secrets about how she arrives at her mystical predictions: Juggling garlic during an eclipse with a chorus of frogs and locusts in a meadow nearby. No, no, Madame is NOT a witch. It just so happens that this particular scenario endows her with a special serenity during which she is particularly adept at acting as a medium for the receivership of knowledge of the future. Don’t make fun, or Madame will reveal some of the darker truths from which she protects you. Oh, and don’t forget that the Madame is in the business of dream diagnosis (see below). Write to her at madamedeevine@aol.com
Here are the Madame’s observations for this month:
Aries (March 21-April 19) There are two types of people in this world, and you are one of them. Your food, after feeling left out of the fun for quite some time, actually appreciates that you are playing with it. Procrastinate just a little longer on important, upcoming travel plans.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) Don’t get suckered by that Muppet who want to sell you an imaginary ice cream cone that he’s hiding beneath his overcoat. Head up a write-in campaign to encourage ABC to shoot a “Perfect Strangers” reunion movie, because you just want more helping of Balki and cousin Larry and all that crazy Meepos fun.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) You take it way too literally when someone tells you to “bite me.” It's time to finally settle the debate, through the last segments of organized competition, about who can rightfully be called champions of popular professional basketball and ice hockey leagues.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) Romantic interest yearns for more frequent interaction between you and your chores. Countries and occupied territories that begin with an “I” generally don’t seem to get along with those that start with a “P.” But you might crack people up by walking around and saying “I… P.”
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Ponder for a moment whether Chrissie Hynde and the Pretenders, in their song "Middle of the Road," are actually singing a line that says "I'm standing in the middle of my life with my pants behind me." Favorite baseball team has found a way to frustrate you consistently.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) “Take care of business” during repeated visits to “the water closet.” Beware of opponents who tend to renege amid Euchre matches. Economically struggling companies try to pull one over on you by putting less of their product into usual-sized packages.
Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Cope with the fact that you wore your best shoes during an unanticipated
downpour by telling everyone in the workplace: “I really wish I brought my
rubbers today,” Tell friends the name of your sign is actually French for
“the undergarment.”
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) Pump up the volume, pump up the volume, pump up the volume. Dance! Dance! Pump up the volume, pump up the volume, pump up the volume. Dance! Dance! Pump up the volume, pump up the volume, pump up the OK you probably get it now.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21) It's
time that you get this right once and for all: It was Billy Dee Williams who
played Lando Calrissian in the original “Star Wars” movies and Carl Weathers
who played Apollo Creed in the “Rocky” movies. Not the other way around. No,
they are not one in the same. And please don't even get started on “Action
Jackson.”
Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Curse the fool who evilly planted the terrible Styx
song “Show Me the Way” back into your mind after all these years after
having understandably forgotten it. You’re in no mood for anybody’s guff, but, being a subordinate, you
really don’t have much of a choice but to put up with it, now do you?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 16) Awkward attempts at alphabetical alliteration annoy all, but boldly build buffoonish balderdash because consistent corniness comes quite characteristically for you. Realize that the mere mention of “self-exploration” is bound to make somebody snicker.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) By a simple twist of fate, you find yourself in possession of a hardhat and a tube of Superglue near the underside of steel girder at a construction site, and, looking up at the suspended beam, you wonder, “Do I dare try?” Certain medications may cause drowsiness and should not be followed by alcohol consumption
Madame's Mailbag
Dear
Madame,
I had a dream; I had an awesome
dream. People in the park, playing games in the dark
And what they played was a masquerade. And from behind of walls of doubt a voice
was crying out: “Say you, say me.”
Signed,
L. Richie
Dear Commodore Hairy,
As
we go down life's lonesome highway, seems the hardest thing to do is to find a
friend or two; a helping hand - someone who understands - that when you feel
you've lost your way, you've got some one there to say “I'll show you.” So
you think you know the answers? Oh, no! ’Cause
the whole world has got you dancing, that's right - I'm telling you! It's time
to start believing - oh yes! Believing who you are: You are a shining star.
Love,
Madame Deevine.
*
* *
Madame Deevine attained her dream analyst accreditation from the East Central California Center for Nocturnal Lucidity. Please do not attempt to analyze dreams without supervision from a certified counselor.
The Madame's Memoirs ~ Happy Anniversary Madame!
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