May ~ 2002
Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.
Devoted readers and fortunate Internet drifters: As promised, the Madame has now expanded her services beyond horoscopes to include dream dissection to all of those who seek out her expertise. She can be reached at madamedeevine@aol.com if you wish to receive a consultation. Private interpretations may be provided by special request. Be sure to look below the horoscopes for the first installment of The Madame’s Mailbag.
Here are the Madame’s observations for this month:
Aries (March 21-April 19) Music and dance rite preceding dissolution of classmates finds youngsters partaking in some forbidden activities. This is your world, and the rest of us are just here to co-exist with you in it.
Taurus (April
20-May 20) Become reviled if learning for the first time that Joe Jackson
actually has a song titled “Be My Number Two.” A key factor in your
financial well being is an ability to set aside a reasonable amount in savings
while keeping an eye on retirement goals.
Gemini (May
21-June 21) Try not to become the victim of a Ponzi scam. Pressure builds
for you to keep all outdoor greenery plush and full yet neatly manicured. It’s
time to roll the word “goober” out of the vault and get society to overuse
it again, and you’ll be needed to play a key role in this initiative.
Cancer (June
22-July 22) Take some time to honor maternal influences. Horse-racing
competition in an otherwise backwoods state attracts gobs of attention. Decide
that it is OK if you do let ’em see you sweat, just so long as they can’t
actually smell it.
Leo (July
23-Aug. 22) “Poltergeist”
is available for your viewing pleasure at practically any given moment on most
cable systems’ expanded basic plans. You’re in the mood to calibrate
something… anything… just because you think it’s a cool-sounding verb.
Virgo (Aug.
23-Sept. 22) If you are a top state official, dispatch homeland corps of
protectionary reserves to disperse collegiate protest in a deadly fashion. Wait
a second, this is the Madame’s prediction for about this time about 32 years
ago. She is terribly sorry about the mix-up. Please disregard this outdated
prediction, all you Virgos.
Libra (Sept.
23-Oct. 23) Replenish you body’s hydration system after some moderate
or rigorous exercise. Take a moment or two to refamiliarize yourself with the
proper method of safely buckling youngsters into appropriate motor vehicle
seats.
Scorpio (Oct.
24-Nov. 21) Be not afraid of having to cope with sudden, overwhelming
success; you’re just not going to find yourself in that position in the
foreseeable future. If you cannot fathom the thought of “X-Files” finally
ending, you are truly alone in this world.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You’re still somewhat vulnerable to the old “made
you look” gag, but you’re less susceptible to the “there’s something on
your shirt and I’m going to flick your chin” routine.
Capricorn (Dec.
22-Jan. 19) Some things, like carousels and cotton candy, appear much
more enticing than they actually turn out to be. Avoid the two-bit wisdom of
wannabe prophets, and wash up immediately after shaking hands with anyone who
boasts of being a self-fulfilling prophet.
Aquarius (Jan.
20-Feb. 16) Relationship enters a new and more emotionally demanding
phase now that you are both able to express your flatulence in each other’s
presence. Stop trying to come up with metaphors to describe life’s intricacies
and go back to using plain old, garden-variety similes.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) You’re prone to chortling whenever a sports announcer uses any variant of the word “penetrate.” Recently minted quarter could bear representation of your home state, and if not, perhaps a state that you’ve heard of before.
Madame's Mailbag
Dear
Madame,
The other night I actually dreamed I
was a super-hero avocado fighting my archenemy; a huge bowl of stale guacamole
who was "a distant evil cousin." All I remember is falling into the
bowl. Falling and falling, until, well that's it. What could this mean? Is there a purpose? Should I stop eating pork rings before
bed? Or is this a sign of things to come?
Signed, Scared
Green
Dear
Booger,
Of
course there is a purpose to all of this! In dreams, an avocado is nearly always
a symbol of a deep, hidden urge to skip merrily through the streets. The stale
guacamole, in truth a derivative of avocadoes, represents the inner conflict you
are feeling about this urge. And the “falling” in this instance represents
the certain death that you will someday face if you do not take the time to skip
merrily. So get out there and prance, sugar! (And for heaven’s sake, DO lay
off the pork rings!)
*
* *
Madame,
My Dear,
Let
me begin by telling you I look forward to your astrological predictions with
great trepidation. I realized you are for real when you hit the nail on
the head in foreseeing" Ride, Captain, Ride" would go through my
head for no apparent reason.
The past several years I have had
many dreams about being on cruise ships. Most recently, I was
cruising with my wife and children along with several other family members.
We were going to our staterooms to get ready for dinner when I realized someone
was trying to kill me. I hurried to my room lock myself. It was a
huge suite with several entrances on different levels. Just as we thought
we were safe we realized the killer had been hidden in our suite. This
person went to attack me. I couldn't see their face because they were wearing a
clown mask. I could see the eyes under the mask, but I didn't recognize
them. Just as I went to make a preemptive strike, the mask fell off and
before I could see who the killer was I woke up. Can you please identify
all of the symbolism in this dream? Also, tell me the name of the person
who was trying to kill me so that I will recognize them if they come after me
while I'm awake. An interesting coincidence about these ship dreams I have is
that for the past few years I have had a nightmare related to some sort of
disaster on a ship (i.e. the ship sinks or there is some other calamity on
board) only to awaken the next morning to find out that day is the anniversary
of the Titanic sinking. Please give your thoughts on that.
Sincerely,
Steamboat Willy
You used to be a bed-wetter, didn’t you? The Madame can tell… the ship tipped me off right away. As for the clown mask, couldn’t your demon be just a little more original? Or have you read just one too many Stephen King novels for your own good? Nevertheless, the perp (that’s cop shop talk, y’all) in your dream is actually the roving soda vendor at a major sporting complex. They are not, in reality, trying to kill you – but their intentions are, in fact, devious. What you need to do is stand up to them and, in your boldest voice, declare “I know that you are just trying to make me wet the bed, and it’s not going to work!” Please let me know the results of your ultimate confrontation with this deep-seated problem.
*
* *
Dear Madame,
It
is a familiar dream. Harkens to the past. Flora seems to glow in the upper
regions, while youngsters are preoccupied with signals of approaching
vehicle-laden horses. Seasonal correspondence seems to agitate the overall mood,
and I am compelled to wish you pleasant and well-lit days. Finally, a presence
of all colors, simultaneously, is implored for your holiday enjoyment. What in
the wide, wide world of sports am I dreaming of?
Love, Gorno
Dear
Gonorrhea,
The Madame shakes her head in
amazement that you couldn’t have figured this one out for yourself. The flora
represent trees, bushes and all manner of natural plant life. The past
represents a time long ago. The vehicle-laden horses symbolize a
transportational device chiefly reliant upon animal labor. The pleasant
greetings are symbolic of happy thoughts extended to others. And the presence of
all colors, simultaneously, is really just a representation of a broad spectrum
of hues, or what the Brits call “colours.” Jiminy Christmas, Gorno, all of
these put together merely illustrate your fear of leprosy. And if you’re
careful, that’s never going to be a problem for you.
* * *
Madame Deevine attained her dream analyst accreditation from the East Central California Center for Nocturnal Lucidity. Please do not attempt to analyze dreams without supervision from a certified counselor.
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