November ~ 2k1

Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.

Madame Deevine doesn’t usually share this with people, but way back in the 1950s she attended a boarding school in New England much like the one on the 1980s situation comedy “The Facts of Life.” What is so eerily similar between the show and her real life is that Madame Deevine had a classmate named Tootie. But Tootie wasn’t the girl’s real name; it was just a nickname. She wasn’t African-American, either. She was from the Catskills. She had very bad teeth and a real flatulence problem. But that’s neither here nor there. 

Here are this month’s observations… and there’s time for more boarding school stories later.

Aries (March 21-April 19) Take a day to pay tribute to all those who have proudly served our country. During a road trip, try to keep your time spent in rest-stop bathrooms to a minimum. Take out the garbage on appointed day of the week.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Negotiations with the devil break down because you’re too far apart on the asking price for your soul - but Microsoft and AOL Time Warner remain interested. There is a problem with your mail subscription to the “Flour of the Month” club.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) From the moral high ground, you look down and see all of your pals are having a heckuva lot more fun than you are. Curl up for a nice nap after an unusually large meal on a rare weekday off - and then receive a major guilt trip because you apparently were supposed to help with the dishes.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) Interact with only those Libras that you know, and just pray that you don’t have to come into contact with any other Libras out there. Help spread the word around the office that an important part of the “new normalcy” is wearing high-cut miniskirts and low-cut blouses.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Walk around with a huge chip on your shoulder because I’m skipping you this month. Nyah-nyah nyah-nyah-nyah!

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Asian ladybugs are a real nuisance in your home. Bad things start happening in fours instead of threes. It’s time to refill the stapler. Server arrives to take your order before you’ve reviewed all of your menu options.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Spouse doesn’t appreciate being referred to as “the old battleax” when you’re talking to friends on the phone. Campaign signs seem to linger in neighboring yards well past Election Day.  

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) Friends plan a surprise party for you. Replicate (with stunning success) grade-school experiment in which you put a celery stalk upright in a glass of water with some food-coloring and watch the leaves eventually turn that color.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You’re already thinking Christmassy thoughts. Acquaintances ask you to help out with their children’s fund-raisers. Have you checked the filter bag on your vacuum cleaner lately?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Stop biting your fingernails.  Crosswalks are your public forum to test whether the general public is ready for a resurgence of streaking. Practice the drug discussion on your child so you can be ready for the real thing when his or her teddy bear gets back from a late night of partying.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 16) Whenever somebody mentions a movie they liked, say “Yeah, that was OK, but `Mother Jugs and Speed’ was better.” Capillaries and epidermis seem to be functioning properly. CD club invites you to rejoin. Must… resist… the temptation.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Try to avoid swearing when youngsters are around. Take a well-deserved break from mowing the lawn. Your communication with spirits comes to an abrupt end when the booze runs out.

The Madame's Memoirs

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