October ~ 2k1

Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.

Madame Deevine regrets to announce that her Deevine Psychic Stock Counseling Service has been suspended under an order issued by Judge Melvin Marsh. She wishes to inform her loyal clients that she is appealing the order and plans to countersue the plaintiffs for libel. In the meantime, she has this tip for all of us: Be extremely careful when using the phrase “guaranteed results.”

In the meantime, here are the Madame’s non-stock-market related observations for this month:

Aries (March 21-April 19) Every time a radio station refers to “Rocktober,” try to take credit for coming up with that idea. To make it seem more legitimate, tell friends that you shopped around the idea for “Ledzepuary” but still don’t have any takers. Then tell them not to get any funny ideas because you still own the rights to “Ledzepuary.”

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Noticeable changes are taking place in the trees all around you. Come to terms with the fact that this just means more work for you. Take a break from all the television reruns to enjoy some first-run programs.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) Well-disguised young strangers arrive at your doorstep, seeking something from you. Don’t let them go away empty-handed. Pesky telemarketers look for creative ways to stump your caller ID box.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) Test the limits of your company’s harassment policy by asking co-workers of the opposite sex to “back that thang up,” and if you get in trouble explain that you were simply suggesting that they take steps to protect their computers.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Your child props up a puppet regime in the toybox. Run into old friend and mutually decide that you must get together sometime soon. Puzzle others by walking around and asking where the pennant race is being held and how to go about signing up.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Avoid planting tomatoes and peppers in your garden right now. It’s OK to be crass because everyone has gotten used to you being that way and practically expects it. Shave your eyebrows just for the fun of it.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Go online to search for “Hardcastle & McCormack” memorabilia. You’re a real hit on the singles scene with your story about how you were Amish, but got in trouble for turning on a light switch, and consequently your family is shunning you for life.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) That tapping sound you keep making isn’t annoying those around you. In fact, they rather enjoy it. Do it louder. Complete the Erector model crane you started making in fifth grade, only to discover that you missed a crucial step very early in the process.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Take a warm blanket with you to football game. Libra shops at some of the same stores you frequent. Orange and black are perfectly suitable colors to wear this time of year.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Give in to your urge to use the lavatory. Travel back in time to accidentally alter a sequence of events that ultimately negates your very existence.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 16) Your brown leather overalls are the fashion statement of the decade at church. Briefly flirt with the idea of spreading toe jam on your toast until fear kicks in that this could lead to foot-and-mouth disease.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Decide now that you won’t draft Cal Ripken or Tony Gwynn for your fantasy baseball team next year. Beneath that mean and bitchy exterior is a person who is actually even meaner and bitchier.

The Madame's Memoirs

September 2k1    August 2k1    July 2k1    June 2k1

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