October~ 2002
Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.
Madame Deevine apologizes profusely to the throngs of readers who wondered why her update is so late this month, but she has been busy for the last two weeks stewing her famous Southwest Tomato Pepper Hot Sauce in the kitchen of her estate in Ecton, Calif. Her garden yield has been amazing considering this year’s drought conditions, but unfortunately she cannot accept any new customer orders at this time. On a brighter note, her predictions for this month are quite fresh and quite free. And her mailbox remains open for analysis of your dreams by writing to madamedeevine@aol.com.
Here are the Madame’s observations for this month:
Aries (March
21-April 19) You are not convinced of all the merits of going to war.
Thought that slipped your mind remains irretrievable until such time as
something triggers your memory. It is mentioned that many movies in the last 7
or 8 years contain the word “American,” and you try to recall how many of
those titles are familiar.
Taurus (April
20-May 20) Notice a greater prevalence of commercials and sitcoms
unafraid to resort to the old “dog humping the person’s leg” sight gag. Do
not pal around with huge celebrities.
Gemini (May
21-June 21) Temptation to strike enemy while their back is turned is
halted by your recognition that such would be the behavior of a cowardly
ratfink. Go ahead and slap them in the face while they are looking, and then get
the hell out of there if they are physically superior.
Cancer (June
22-July 22) Disagreement brings forth some opposing views. A delicate
balancing act may involve your checkbook. Leo can’t help but look up here
because a) he saw the name and type and was so drawn; b) he thinks everybody
else’s horoscope is his business too.
Leo (July
23-Aug. 22) Devious pop-up ad leads to a chain unsought banner messages
while browsing online. Return of a warm, sunny string of days after a much
cooler period is likely referred to by some as an “Indian Summer.”
Virgo (Aug.
23-Sept. 22) Just when you think you’ve shaken loose your ties to the
Mafia, they keep pulling you back in. Cast changes on late Saturday night
ensemble shows take some getting used to.
Libra (Sept.
23-Oct. 23) It turns out that Eddie Money is not necessarily your
all-time favorite recording artist. A great burden is lifted by a crane involved
in the construction of a new downtown building.
Scorpio (Oct.
24-Nov. 21) Sigh.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Resurgence of “Pong” is not to be realized in the
crowded and ever-growing video game market. Your random act of kindness goes
virtually unnoticed. What, did you expect to be rewarded with a cookie or
something?
Capricorn (Dec.
22-Jan. 19) Supervisor may not immediately recognize the humor or the
cultural reference when you pull your shirt up over your head and put your hands
in the air and announce “I am the Great Cornhulio, I need T.P. for my
bunghole.”
Aquarius (Jan.
20-Feb. 16) Referee signals for the chains to determine whether ball has
advanced far enough forward for the “first down.” Observe that there is very
little difference between Nestle’s Crunch bar and Hershey’s Krackel.
Madame's
Mailbag
Dear
Madame,
Dear
Forest Stumped,
Most
times, dreams are not what they seem. This is one of those times, though, when
dreams are nearly what they seem. The key words here are “Hee Haw” and the
answer to the Sharpie-scrawled riddle is not, as you’d expect, Minnie Pearl,
but rather, Catherine Bach, aka Daisy Duke of “Dukes of Hazzard” fame. For
you see, many fans of that show often wished the younger, perkier Bach would
have crossed over to “Hee Haw,” and some are quite certain that the show
would still live on to this day if said move had been made. There was, however,
no hope for the “Dukes” once Bo and Luke left and those other stand-in
cousins arrived. Bach, therefore, “hemmed” Hee-Haw’s fate by failing to
join the show. The other imagery you described is merely the subliminal
resurfacing of your likely past readership of the “Lord of the Rings”
trilogy along with disturbing visual cross-references of various Disney flicks
and the amazing Madonna-Aidan Quinn-Rosanna Arquette film “Desperately Seeking
Susan.” As for “bella noche,” that simply conjures up your memory of a
date with amazing potential a long time ago at a wonderful Italian restaurant.
And you’re wondering, why didn’t anything ever come of that relationship?
The mossy face gives away the answer: your date thought you smelled like pee
that night, when in fact it was their own sweaty shoes that reeked all along.
Madame
believes she hit the nail right on the head once again, did she not, Stumpy?
Madame Deevine attained her dream analyst accreditation from the East Central California Center for Nocturnal Lucidity. Please do not attempt to analyze dreams without supervision from a certified counselor.
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