October ~ 2k3
Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.
After a treacherous several months in
a California jail cell for refusing to divulge the source of her mystical
knowledge to a grand jury, Madame Deevine has triumphed and been allowed to go
free once again without compromising her astrological ethical code. She wishes
to thank all of the celebrity devotees who took a moment to send her a note
while she was wasting away in the pokey. Liz, Liza and Shirley, you are
cherished friends. Dearest Michael, you have touched Madame’s heart in a way
that it hasn’t been touched since she was an adolescent. To the rest of you
faithful readers who failed to acknowledge Madame’s unjust incarceration: For
shame! The only way to make it up to her is to share your most puzzling dreams
with her by e-mailing them to: madamedeevine@aol.com.
Aries (March 21-April 19) ) You have some pretty good ideas about how to proceed in a group setting, but nobody else really wants to listen to you. Asparagus sure does make your pee smell funny.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) Long-running television program mercifully enters its final season, and even though there is nothing really new or interesting or funny about this year’s storylines, you still feel somehow compelled to watch.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) Somebody up there really likes you. No, we’re not talking about up there, but over there, in that second-floor window across the street, that shadowy figure with the binoculars that just hid once you looked in that direction.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) Put those binoculars down and for heaven’s sake stop spying on Gemini, you pervert voyeur! Now if you pull your act together, we won’t tell Gemini it was you. You’re just darn lucky Gemini doesn’t have to read down this far!
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) New medical findings either support or contradict previous findings. Discover some annoying new ring tones for your cell phone that will bug the hell out of anyone within earshot.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Stand to the right and allow others to pass if you have no intention of moving in step with an escalator. Some of your most extraordinary accomplishments may be in the field of underachievement.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) There’s something slightly titillating about the knowledge that your sign is the only one that has “bra” as part of its name. An orange member of the squash family seems to be overly cultivated for decorative and wasteful purposes, despite its usefulness for desserts.
Scorpio (Oct.
24-Nov. 21) In
a bout of frustration, you throw your hands in the air and announce: “Screw it
all.”
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Gather
ye rosebuds while ye may and carpe diem and all that inspirational advice
of the sort. You’ll soon get one hour of one day to do all over again, but it
will occur during the wee hours of a Sunday when you are probably sleeping
anyway.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Baseball players suddenly approach every single game like it matters. You continue to have serious trust issues involving the mailbox and whether or not the letters you just inserted cooperated with gravity after you closed the door, and feel obligated to open it again to make sure they dropped.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 16) You are able to quickly clear up some particularly pungent moments through the extinguishing of a lighted matched, but then there’s that sulfuric smell to contend with. It’s not really love if you’ve taken to stalking.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) There seems to be abnormally heavy interest in running in your community, and you cannot help but get swept up in the trend. Start growing your hair long again for when ponytails come back into fashionMadame's
Mailbag
Dear
Madame,
In my recent dreams, I keep finding myself back in college again and all set to graduate – only to suddenly learn that I can’t because there was a class on my schedule that I completely forgot to attend the entire semester. Why am I being haunted so?
Signed, Kent Wright
Dear
Flash,
Hmm.
Madame bets you are either a) very tightly wound or b) troubled by feelings of
inadequacy. Let’s just assume that you are both. The symbolism to be found in
this chronic nocturnal vision of yours is that somewhere in your past, there is
a dark secret that you have buried and it won’t be long now before it destroys
your whole life as you know it. Madame has counseled many people who have had
dreams to similar effect, and wishes a few of them were still alive.
Here’s
to your happier days!
Madame
Deevine
Madame Deevine attained her dream analyst accreditation from the East Central California Center for Nocturnal Lucidity. Please do not attempt to analyze dreams without supervision from a certified counselor.
The Madame's Memoirs
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