September ~ 2k1
Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.
Madame Deevine’s horoscopes, available to you exclusively through valeedge.com at no charge, are on the cutting edge of the prognostication profession. Quite literally, she goes out on a limb to give you her forecasts. You may even have seen her out in the trees at night, clinging to a branch upside down in a complicated yoga position, becoming one with the constellations.
Here are the Madame’s observations for this month:
Aries (March 21-April 19) You don’t feel completely awake until you’ve had your coffee. Panhandler is really Jesus in disguise, but he’s still going to buy wine with the money you just gave him.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) Strange recurring dream symbolizes the fact that you are way beyond help. Take pride in fact that there are some yards on your street that are actually in worse shape than yours.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) Random act of unbelievably enormous philanthropy somehow altogether skips you as a beneficiary. Various vitamins and nutrients enter your body in the form of food.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) Dentist may recommend that you schedule another checkup and cleaning about six months after your next appointment. Single hair grows back in the center of that one mole of yours.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Figure out how to do the "bump" part, but still have all kinds of trouble properly doing the "grind." Try not to tell your joke about how you want to go to the capital of Montana to find a basket shop, because I think I’m the only one that gets it and it took me a while.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Avoid a falling out by purchasing a better bra. Don’t you dare put that container back in the refrigerator with only one tiny sip left… just drink it.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) You spread smiles and laughter with your charming demeanor and the "kick me" sign on your back.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) You are off the hook. More specifically, if you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Nothing can stop you now, because your brakes are worn out. Autumn is imminent. It will be well worth the extra second or two you take to make sure all your buttons are buttoned and your zippers zipped.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Ceilings and walls seem to attract an occasional spider. You can’t resist urge to tell everyone you know all the deep, dark secrets others have entrusted to you. It’s not enough to walk only a quarter-mile in someone else’s shoes… go the distance, lazybones.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 16) Caramel apples aren’t doing your fillings much good. Impress potential employer by asking him or her to come to karaoke night at the Regal Beagle with you and sing Kiki Dee’s parts on "Don’t Go Breaking My Heart."
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Something turns you upside down, and it’s a safe bet that it’s an amusement park ride. Ask middle-aged people how old they are. When they refuse to say, ask for their weight. Then, just for kicks, ask what their income is. Wear your best running shoes.
Orion (February 29) Temporarily marvel at the possibility that you have a special zodiac sign just for you, the Leap Year baby, but no such luck. Just the mere fact that you thought this was a little fishy shows that you are undoubtedly a Pisces. Besides, would you really want to be known as the 13th sign of the zodiac?
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