September ~ 2002

Brought to you in pieces and parts by the Coconut Joe Publishing Co.

Madame Deevine will be conducting her yearly “Get In Touch With Your Astrological Self” workshop at the Phoenix Roadside Motel and Conference Center Sept. 27-29. Unfortunately, the event  – one of the rare few in which the Madame charges for her horoscopicular services – is sold out once again. But fret not: Her monthly column is still free to all and she’ll even try to translate your dreams, too, if you write to her at madamedeevine@aol.com

Here are the Madame’s observations for this month:

Aries (March 21-April 19) It will be a long time before you can truly realize that this very moment was quite a while back. That certain someone is on the verge of hiring a private investigator to get to the bottom of things if your bizarre behavior keeps up.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Punching the monkey in the banner pop-up ad does not lead to fabulous prizes as hoped, but rather to a Web site that will allow a host of junk-mailers to bombard you with penile enlargement “spam”

Gemini (May 21-June 21) A first-ever solemn anniversary commemoration takes place on a day that used to have no special significance on most calendars. Virgo is in the picture, but is somewhat blocked by the errant photographer’s thumb.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) After a life-affirming adventure with a circle of friends, it is generally agreed among all of you that you had much fun and perhaps even learned a little something along the way.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) That Scorpio is a real piece of work, and isn’t really fooling any of us, wouldn’t you agree? You find your clockwork regularity to be a bit of a problem at an a dinner gathering, and your friends henceforth will secretly refer to you as the “party pooper.”

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Botched receiving pattern results in an incompletion, and you’d just better hope we’re talking about football here. Put everything into perspective at the end of a heated debate on any topic by saying, “You know, we’re all going to kick the bucket sooner or later.”

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Don’t go looking for opportunities to “Snap into a Slim Jim!” Personal finances must be dealt with a timely manner, but its no use telling you because we both know you’re just going to put them off until the last possible second.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) Your lack of fashion sense reaches the point of no return. Family member announces: “I think I am going to throw up!” Your cup is overflowing, and you only wish we were talking about your athletic cup, “Tiny.”

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Go out on a limb and stay there for a few weeks; nobody is going to notice your absence. Relationship with a sweaty, overweight person gets too hot and heavy for your liking.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Leo creeps you out with knuckle-cracking, nail-biting or propping up his fingers around his eyelids and pulling at the skin so that much more of the eyeballs can be viewed. Suck in your belly to appear thinner in front of person you want to impress.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 16) Focus on marital status, or on martial status if you happen to be a samurai. Focus on marshal status if you are a federal agent in training or Marshall status if you are a Supreme Court clerk tracing the history of the respected Justice  Thurgood.

Madame's Mailbag

Dear Madame,

Why do the British have to go and stick a “u” into the word “color?” Don’t you think that is just so snobbish? Oh, and why is it that I always mix up the words “eclectic” and “eccentric?”

Sincerely,

Confounded in Colorado

Dear Colourado,

You must have mistaken old Madame for a language expert. Or maybe you also mix up the words “grandma” and “grammarian. At any rate, Madame insists that all letters must be phrased in the form of a dream, and, as such, cannot help you at this time. 

 ***  

Dear Madame,

I had a dream in which a man walked up to me and asked “Why do the British put the letter “u” into the word “color?” I was hard-pressed to explain, for I myself was pondering why is it that I always mix up the words “eclectic” and “eccentric.” The stranger then vanished and I awoke. What could my dream be telling me?

Amiably yours,

Delusional in Denver

Dear Mile High Mega-twit,

You think you’re awfully clever, don’t you? Well, Madame is going to one-up you and she is going to go ahead and read this dream rather than be combative. This dream, if authentic, symbolizes the great dearth of meaningful interpersonal transactions in your daily routines. It is as if that stranger to whom you were speaking is calling out to you, “Get a life, Bozo.”

* * *

Madame Deevine attained her dream analyst accreditation from the East Central California Center for Nocturnal Lucidity. Please do not attempt to analyze dreams without supervision from a certified counselor.

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